My husband's recovery has been aided in a great part by his participation in the online Candeo program. http://candeocan.com
There are podcasts, forums and education that are very useful and insightful. The practical principles he has learned from them have been life changing.
I am just now delving into the site, listening to some podcasts, etc. This journey has been so devastating and personal to me that I have been so incredibly hesitant to want to walk this road with anyone else, outside of this blog. I think it's part of the healing process, healing to the point that I can reach out to others in pain.
But perhaps this site can give you, or your husband, hope. It has helped my husband immensely.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wonderful Talk
I heard a wonderful talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks from the October 2006 Saturday morning General Conference session. It is entitled "He Heals the Heavy Laden". I strongly recommend you listen to the talk - listen to him give it. It is incredible.
Counseling
I want to talk a little about counseling and the role it has played in my recovery.
My husband and I met with an LDS counselor early on in the hopes that it would help us through our difficult experience. This individual pushed a certain book I had felt distinctly that I should not read. We left very discouraged and disheartened. Where were we to go for help?
After several months, I felt very prompted to seek counseling help again. I was very stuck in the depression stage of grieving and didn't know how to get out of it myself. Through my medical providers, I was referred to a different counselor. I was so nervous and quite skeptical, but I went anyway. That visit was the start of a wonderful, productive relationship that helped me in countless ways. I received individual counseling almost weekly for about four months. What a tremendous blessing that was for me.
I am NOT saying that LDS counselors are not helpful. What I AM saying is that there is not one path or cookie cutter way for everyone through this experience. The spirit told me strongly not to read the book the counselor required. The spirit also told me not to attend our local 12 step recovery support group which this counselor strongly encouraged as well. I do not discount or discredit any of these inspired pathways for help, but I do attest to the fact that Heavenly Father knows us individually. He can help us individually. We are responsible to listen to the guidance and direction of the spirit and act accordingly. He knows better than anyone else what and WHO we need in our lives right now.
For ME, it was incredibly helpful to have a counselor who did not share my religious beliefs who could help me work through my psychological issues completely separately from my spiritual concerns. Rest assured that during that time I was counseling regularly with my Bishop. He was key for me. He gave me inspired insight and direction that I knew He could give because of the keys he held and the stewardship he had over me that no one else could offer. Both of those individuals have been incredibly helpful for me in my healing process.
Now my husband and I are participating in couple's counseling - again with a non-LDS counselor. This counselor has been objective, direct and incredibly helpful. We felt specifically led to him and thank our Heavenly Father often for righteous, educated people who are not of our faith. We continue to work individually and together as a couple on our spiritual strength. This is key in the healing process. We have felt the continued love and support of righteous Priesthood leaders, grateful they have not insisted we walk the road that has worked for others of LDS counselors and 12 step support groups.
Heavenly Father is our Father. He knows us. He knows what we need. Trust Him. Follow the promptings you receive immediately and specifically. Especially when they don't seem to make sense. This journey has been an exercise in faith for me to the fifth degree. But Father has never left me comfortless.
My husband and I met with an LDS counselor early on in the hopes that it would help us through our difficult experience. This individual pushed a certain book I had felt distinctly that I should not read. We left very discouraged and disheartened. Where were we to go for help?
After several months, I felt very prompted to seek counseling help again. I was very stuck in the depression stage of grieving and didn't know how to get out of it myself. Through my medical providers, I was referred to a different counselor. I was so nervous and quite skeptical, but I went anyway. That visit was the start of a wonderful, productive relationship that helped me in countless ways. I received individual counseling almost weekly for about four months. What a tremendous blessing that was for me.
I am NOT saying that LDS counselors are not helpful. What I AM saying is that there is not one path or cookie cutter way for everyone through this experience. The spirit told me strongly not to read the book the counselor required. The spirit also told me not to attend our local 12 step recovery support group which this counselor strongly encouraged as well. I do not discount or discredit any of these inspired pathways for help, but I do attest to the fact that Heavenly Father knows us individually. He can help us individually. We are responsible to listen to the guidance and direction of the spirit and act accordingly. He knows better than anyone else what and WHO we need in our lives right now.
For ME, it was incredibly helpful to have a counselor who did not share my religious beliefs who could help me work through my psychological issues completely separately from my spiritual concerns. Rest assured that during that time I was counseling regularly with my Bishop. He was key for me. He gave me inspired insight and direction that I knew He could give because of the keys he held and the stewardship he had over me that no one else could offer. Both of those individuals have been incredibly helpful for me in my healing process.
Now my husband and I are participating in couple's counseling - again with a non-LDS counselor. This counselor has been objective, direct and incredibly helpful. We felt specifically led to him and thank our Heavenly Father often for righteous, educated people who are not of our faith. We continue to work individually and together as a couple on our spiritual strength. This is key in the healing process. We have felt the continued love and support of righteous Priesthood leaders, grateful they have not insisted we walk the road that has worked for others of LDS counselors and 12 step support groups.
Heavenly Father is our Father. He knows us. He knows what we need. Trust Him. Follow the promptings you receive immediately and specifically. Especially when they don't seem to make sense. This journey has been an exercise in faith for me to the fifth degree. But Father has never left me comfortless.
Still here...
I am still here. Still moving forward. Still slogging through chest high mud in an effort to rebuild my marriage. I know there is no timeline in all of this, but it sure feels like I've been at this for a long, long time.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Lonely
I was feeling lonely this morning. Lonely in my journey. Lonely in my marriage. Lonely.
I've been trying to faithfully follow the counsel of my Bishop to read from the scriptures and the Conference talks each day. I picked up the May 2009 Ensign while I ate my breakfast and turned to Sis. Mary N. Cook's talk from the General YW Meeting entitled "A Virtuous Life - Step by Step." There were several things that stood out to me from her talk.
She talked about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and said "Some of these mists of darkness, or temptations that Satan uses to obscure the path to eternal life, are specifically directed at women... He has been successful in confusing women about their roles in the Lord's divine plan."
My husband has described his struggles as being in the mists of darkness. I realized this morning how the darkness of pornography has encompassed our marriage in mists of darkness - how Satan has used that temptation for my husband to directly obscure MY understanding of myself, of my worth and value, of my role in the Lord's divine plan.
Sis. Cook continues, "Now, you must remember that you are not alone on this journey...you were given the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide you in all aspects of your life... Sometimes you may feel that you are the only one who is walking on this path...there are...even 'angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 88:48)."
"You will never be alone on your journey because the Savior will always be with you.."
I felt that so powerfully, so keenly this morning. I am not alone in this.
When I got on my blog to post this, lo and behold I had a comment on my previous post. I have been writing on here for almost six months, having no idea if anyone else would ever find or read what I had written, many times feeling very alone in my experience. I don't know who you are, how you found my blog, or what prompted you to comment now, but thank you Luke. Your post was a miracle in my morning. I am not alone.
I've been trying to faithfully follow the counsel of my Bishop to read from the scriptures and the Conference talks each day. I picked up the May 2009 Ensign while I ate my breakfast and turned to Sis. Mary N. Cook's talk from the General YW Meeting entitled "A Virtuous Life - Step by Step." There were several things that stood out to me from her talk.
She talked about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and said "Some of these mists of darkness, or temptations that Satan uses to obscure the path to eternal life, are specifically directed at women... He has been successful in confusing women about their roles in the Lord's divine plan."
My husband has described his struggles as being in the mists of darkness. I realized this morning how the darkness of pornography has encompassed our marriage in mists of darkness - how Satan has used that temptation for my husband to directly obscure MY understanding of myself, of my worth and value, of my role in the Lord's divine plan.
Sis. Cook continues, "Now, you must remember that you are not alone on this journey...you were given the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide you in all aspects of your life... Sometimes you may feel that you are the only one who is walking on this path...there are...even 'angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 88:48)."
"You will never be alone on your journey because the Savior will always be with you.."
I felt that so powerfully, so keenly this morning. I am not alone in this.
When I got on my blog to post this, lo and behold I had a comment on my previous post. I have been writing on here for almost six months, having no idea if anyone else would ever find or read what I had written, many times feeling very alone in my experience. I don't know who you are, how you found my blog, or what prompted you to comment now, but thank you Luke. Your post was a miracle in my morning. I am not alone.
Friday, May 29, 2009
LDS Resources
I found the following posts on the LDS Tech section of the church's website. While much of the information on the forum discussions is geared towards technically savvy people or those concerned with protecting their children, much of the information is useful.
As a wife who has been technologically uninformed for much of my adult life, which allowed my husband easy and instant access to the garbage, I am doing all I can to learn more about technology. Hope these forum discussions and posts prove somewhat helpful.
I have installed Net Nanny, am the admin user and have the password. It was very easy to install and maintain. I was a bit disturbed to read about some of the ways around software installed filters and am doing more to learn about that. A filter has not become my only source of defense, but it has finally required some accountability for computer usage that was not implemented in my household before. I also take comfort in knowing my children or babysitters will not accidentally come upon inappropriate material in my household. Rest assured we have had frank discussions with our children regarding proper choices and what to do if faced with it in another setting. I also learned how to block channels and certain ratings and content on my satellite dish. I simply called the company and they walked me through it. I am the code holder for that as well.
I heard once the thought that the wife should not be the 'porn police'. It should be the husband's responsibility to manage his temptations appropriately. However, pornography is NOT a temptation for me. I can hold the 'keys' to accessing the garbage without ever being tempted to look at it. On one of these forums, there was a post that said not installing filters, security codes etc. is akin to stocking our shelves with R and XXX movies and only telling our children / husband not to watch them. Even with the coping mechanisms my husband has learned to deal with temptation, WHY would I allow easy access to this garbage in my own home if I had the ability to severely limit it? WHY would I give Satan that open door into my home? I understand that my husband holds the ultimate responsibility for his recovery, for maintaining his decision to turn from the smut. But if he were a recovering alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't stock my fridge full of beer.
Ultimately, I've learned there is not one 'magic' instant answer to combating this wickedness in our families. It is a many pronged attack which requires a many faceted defense.
https://tech.lds.org/wiki/index.php/Internet_(Family_Safety)
http://tech.lds.org/forum/showthread.php?t=323
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,5302-1-2769-1,00.html
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6278-1-3240-1,00.html
(I love the graphic on this link - my husband often describes his journey with sexual addiction as feeling chained, but that the weight was placed on him gradually. At times, when he thought it was 'under control' he realizes now that the chains were still there just loosened, and Satan convinced him they were gone. Satan lied continuously telling him that he didn't need to tell anyone - including me - and that he could handle it himself. My husband says that once he finally went to the ones with the 'keys' - proper Priesthood keys - the locks were removed through proper repentance and the chains have slowly, finally fallen away.)
In faith...moving forward...
As a wife who has been technologically uninformed for much of my adult life, which allowed my husband easy and instant access to the garbage, I am doing all I can to learn more about technology. Hope these forum discussions and posts prove somewhat helpful.
I have installed Net Nanny, am the admin user and have the password. It was very easy to install and maintain. I was a bit disturbed to read about some of the ways around software installed filters and am doing more to learn about that. A filter has not become my only source of defense, but it has finally required some accountability for computer usage that was not implemented in my household before. I also take comfort in knowing my children or babysitters will not accidentally come upon inappropriate material in my household. Rest assured we have had frank discussions with our children regarding proper choices and what to do if faced with it in another setting. I also learned how to block channels and certain ratings and content on my satellite dish. I simply called the company and they walked me through it. I am the code holder for that as well.
I heard once the thought that the wife should not be the 'porn police'. It should be the husband's responsibility to manage his temptations appropriately. However, pornography is NOT a temptation for me. I can hold the 'keys' to accessing the garbage without ever being tempted to look at it. On one of these forums, there was a post that said not installing filters, security codes etc. is akin to stocking our shelves with R and XXX movies and only telling our children / husband not to watch them. Even with the coping mechanisms my husband has learned to deal with temptation, WHY would I allow easy access to this garbage in my own home if I had the ability to severely limit it? WHY would I give Satan that open door into my home? I understand that my husband holds the ultimate responsibility for his recovery, for maintaining his decision to turn from the smut. But if he were a recovering alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't stock my fridge full of beer.
Ultimately, I've learned there is not one 'magic' instant answer to combating this wickedness in our families. It is a many pronged attack which requires a many faceted defense.
https://tech.lds.org/wiki/index.php/Internet_(Family_Safety)
http://tech.lds.org/forum/showthread.php?t=323
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,5302-1-2769-1,00.html
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6278-1-3240-1,00.html
(I love the graphic on this link - my husband often describes his journey with sexual addiction as feeling chained, but that the weight was placed on him gradually. At times, when he thought it was 'under control' he realizes now that the chains were still there just loosened, and Satan convinced him they were gone. Satan lied continuously telling him that he didn't need to tell anyone - including me - and that he could handle it himself. My husband says that once he finally went to the ones with the 'keys' - proper Priesthood keys - the locks were removed through proper repentance and the chains have slowly, finally fallen away.)
In faith...moving forward...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trust
I haven't posted much lately. It's hard to know which experiences are appropriate to share - what might be helpful to someone else that is not too personal or too unique to my own experience. And life has been slowly, steadily moving forward. Some days I still feel the undeniable suffocation of this difficult experience, but other days feel almost normal or at least tolerable. I never thought I would feel that way again, so even the glimpses are so refreshing and revitalizing to my soul.
I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.
I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"
As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.
I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.
I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.
So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?
Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.
I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.
I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"
As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.
I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.
I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.
So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?
Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.
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