Lonely

I was feeling lonely this morning. Lonely in my journey. Lonely in my marriage. Lonely.

I've been trying to faithfully follow the counsel of my Bishop to read from the scriptures and the Conference talks each day. I picked up the May 2009 Ensign while I ate my breakfast and turned to Sis. Mary N. Cook's talk from the General YW Meeting entitled "A Virtuous Life - Step by Step." There were several things that stood out to me from her talk.

She talked about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and said "Some of these mists of darkness, or temptations that Satan uses to obscure the path to eternal life, are specifically directed at women... He has been successful in confusing women about their roles in the Lord's divine plan."

My husband has described his struggles as being in the mists of darkness. I realized this morning how the darkness of pornography has encompassed our marriage in mists of darkness - how Satan has used that temptation for my husband to directly obscure MY understanding of myself, of my worth and value, of my role in the Lord's divine plan.

Sis. Cook continues, "Now, you must remember that you are not alone on this journey...you were given the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide you in all aspects of your life... Sometimes you may feel that you are the only one who is walking on this path...there are...even 'angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 88:48)."

"You will never be alone on your journey because the Savior will always be with you.."

I felt that so powerfully, so keenly this morning. I am not alone in this.

When I got on my blog to post this, lo and behold I had a comment on my previous post. I have been writing on here for almost six months, having no idea if anyone else would ever find or read what I had written, many times feeling very alone in my experience. I don't know who you are, how you found my blog, or what prompted you to comment now, but thank you Luke. Your post was a miracle in my morning. I am not alone.

LDS Resources

I found the following posts on the LDS Tech section of the church's website. While much of the information on the forum discussions is geared towards technically savvy people or those concerned with protecting their children, much of the information is useful.

As a wife who has been technologically uninformed for much of my adult life, which allowed my husband easy and instant access to the garbage, I am doing all I can to learn more about technology. Hope these forum discussions and posts prove somewhat helpful.

I have installed Net Nanny, am the admin user and have the password. It was very easy to install and maintain. I was a bit disturbed to read about some of the ways around software installed filters and am doing more to learn about that. A filter has not become my only source of defense, but it has finally required some accountability for computer usage that was not implemented in my household before. I also take comfort in knowing my children or babysitters will not accidentally come upon inappropriate material in my household. Rest assured we have had frank discussions with our children regarding proper choices and what to do if faced with it in another setting. I also learned how to block channels and certain ratings and content on my satellite dish. I simply called the company and they walked me through it. I am the code holder for that as well.

I heard once the thought that the wife should not be the 'porn police'. It should be the husband's responsibility to manage his temptations appropriately. However, pornography is NOT a temptation for me. I can hold the 'keys' to accessing the garbage without ever being tempted to look at it. On one of these forums, there was a post that said not installing filters, security codes etc. is akin to stocking our shelves with R and XXX movies and only telling our children / husband not to watch them. Even with the coping mechanisms my husband has learned to deal with temptation, WHY would I allow easy access to this garbage in my own home if I had the ability to severely limit it? WHY would I give Satan that open door into my home? I understand that my husband holds the ultimate responsibility for his recovery, for maintaining his decision to turn from the smut. But if he were a recovering alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't stock my fridge full of beer.

Ultimately, I've learned there is not one 'magic' instant answer to combating this wickedness in our families. It is a many pronged attack which requires a many faceted defense.

https://tech.lds.org/wiki/index.php/Internet_(Family_Safety)

http://tech.lds.org/forum/showthread.php?t=323

http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/

http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,5302-1-2769-1,00.html

http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6278-1-3240-1,00.html

(I love the graphic on this link - my husband often describes his journey with sexual addiction as feeling chained, but that the weight was placed on him gradually. At times, when he thought it was 'under control' he realizes now that the chains were still there just loosened, and Satan convinced him they were gone. Satan lied continuously telling him that he didn't need to tell anyone - including me - and that he could handle it himself. My husband says that once he finally went to the ones with the 'keys' - proper Priesthood keys - the locks were removed through proper repentance and the chains have slowly, finally fallen away.)

In faith...moving forward...

Trust

I haven't posted much lately. It's hard to know which experiences are appropriate to share - what might be helpful to someone else that is not too personal or too unique to my own experience. And life has been slowly, steadily moving forward. Some days I still feel the undeniable suffocation of this difficult experience, but other days feel almost normal or at least tolerable. I never thought I would feel that way again, so even the glimpses are so refreshing and revitalizing to my soul.

I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.

I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"

As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.

I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.

I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.

So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?

Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.

Depression

Depression is a stage of the grief process.

It is exhausting, encompassing and overwhelmingly discouraging.

It feels like it will last forever.

It is not, however, meant to be a permanent state of being.

If it feels like it has become that, seek outside help.

It's okay.

Can I Go There Today?

As life is slowly making its way back to some sense of normalcy, I find it harder and harder to allow myself to go to the depths of sorrow and sorting through required for ultimate healing. I struggle to know how to go from sobbing uncontrollably to picking up my little one from preschool, so some days I just don't go there even when I need to. It doesn't go away, though. The emotions can't be ignored or put off or stuffed away. They find a way to come out somehow - at times that are often less than opportune.

I'm learning that I have to give myself permission to heal, including the time and energy to do it. I'm having to eliminate any extra burdens, obligations, appointments, & stresses in my life so that I can focus on myself and my healing. I struggle to not feel guilty about it, especially since I'm not able to give explanations, but I'm learning to be much more compassionate and much less judgmental of myself and of others. You never know what burdens others are really carrying.

Leaving Egypt

I used to wonder why the Israelites complained after their miraculous rescue from Egypt by the prophet Moses. I couldn't imagine how they would question God or Moses' word after all they had done for them. But I understand now.

I can picture them, having left the slavery of Egypt, having witnessed the plagues and passover and knowing God had provided the way for them to leave. They had hope in the promised land - one they would obtain after leaving the deserts of Egypt. They left in faith, following their prophet, heading anxiously towards the promised land. When suddenly they realize they are being followed - vigorously pursued by pharoah's guards intent on killing them. As they rush forward they are faced not with a path to freedom, but with the vast Red Sea. No boats. No bridge. No escape. Relentlessly chased by violent warriors. Is it any wonder they questioned? Is it any surprise they wanted to go back? I wonder if they could even see off in the horizon their distant land of Egypt. Surely they thought it would be better to go back and be slaves to a pharoah than to perish a bloody death or drown in the depths of the sea. Some of them likely had never even known a different life than slavery. If they went back, surely they could continue as they always had, despite all that had transpired.

All they had was the word of a prophet and the promise of God. Each of those people had to decide for themselves if that was enough. There must have been a pre-miraculous moment of decision, the time that required the ultimate faith of each of them before Moses lifted his staff. They surely couldn't have foreseen or imagined the undeniable witness of God's power that was about to occur before their eyes. They each had to decide whether to rush to the guards and plead for mercy or rush into the water and rely on faith. Faith that God would deliver them, faith that their promised land would be given them, faith that the words of a living prophet would be fulfilled, faith that moving forward - however insurmountable the path ahead seemed - would be better than going back.

"Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt - seemingly free, seemingly on our way - only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us."

" ' And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. ... The Lord shall fight for you.' In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, 'Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.' "

"...After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, 'Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!' "

(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence, BYU Devotional, March 2, 1999.)

Cottage or Palace?

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” C.S. Lewis