I haven't posted much lately. It's hard to know which experiences are appropriate to share - what might be helpful to someone else that is not too personal or too unique to my own experience. And life has been slowly, steadily moving forward. Some days I still feel the undeniable suffocation of this difficult experience, but other days feel almost normal or at least tolerable. I never thought I would feel that way again, so even the glimpses are so refreshing and revitalizing to my soul.
I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.
I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"
As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.
I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.
I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.
So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?
Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.
