There is a companion set of books by Rod W. Jeppsen - Pathway Publishing - that have been incredibly helpful for us. They are based on the Articles of Faith and are a workbook approach to healing from sexual addiction.
There is one for the struggling individual is entitled "Line Upon Line, Precept Upon Precept" and another one for the spouse or family member is entitled "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." I was able to find them at our local LDS bookstore, but if you can't locate them, I will include the publisher's information below so that you can contact them directly.
I have continually sought after things that would help and uplift me. I have endured incredibly difficult times that I have not posted about, striving to include only the avenues and resources that have been a strength and help to me. Things that would help and heal.
The spouse's book is so hopeful and helpful and uplifting. It is filled with scriptures and quotes from the brethren. It is quite daunting in length, but it's broken up into segments that are tolerable. Many of them require such introspection and emotional vulnerability, that I'm exhausted after each chapter. It's taken me quite some time to get through the book. But at the end he always provides suggestions of how to release, take a break, nourish your soul and continue to recover.
My husband speaks very highly of the other book. It is not quite as lengthy, but be sure to get the one in the workbook format. There is a smaller version that he said was not quite as helpful or instructive.
The author has a Master's in Counseling and has served as a Bishop & high councilor in the LDS Church. He has a wonderful testimony that is evident in his writing. I am so grateful for the time and work this fine man has done on these books. They have been a great strength and help to us.
(Pathway Publishing, PO Box 95122, South Jordan, Utah, 84095-0122, 801-253-3138)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Another Site
There is another helpful site that is Christian based that might be helpful for you. I have read some of their articles and listened to a few podcasts. It's www.covenanteyes.com. Thanks to Luke Gilkerson of their site who has provided me with some helpful places to start.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Help for My Husband
My husband's recovery has been aided in a great part by his participation in the online Candeo program. http://candeocan.com
There are podcasts, forums and education that are very useful and insightful. The practical principles he has learned from them have been life changing.
I am just now delving into the site, listening to some podcasts, etc. This journey has been so devastating and personal to me that I have been so incredibly hesitant to want to walk this road with anyone else, outside of this blog. I think it's part of the healing process, healing to the point that I can reach out to others in pain.
But perhaps this site can give you, or your husband, hope. It has helped my husband immensely.
There are podcasts, forums and education that are very useful and insightful. The practical principles he has learned from them have been life changing.
I am just now delving into the site, listening to some podcasts, etc. This journey has been so devastating and personal to me that I have been so incredibly hesitant to want to walk this road with anyone else, outside of this blog. I think it's part of the healing process, healing to the point that I can reach out to others in pain.
But perhaps this site can give you, or your husband, hope. It has helped my husband immensely.
Wonderful Talk
I heard a wonderful talk by Elder Dallin H. Oaks from the October 2006 Saturday morning General Conference session. It is entitled "He Heals the Heavy Laden". I strongly recommend you listen to the talk - listen to him give it. It is incredible.
Counseling
I want to talk a little about counseling and the role it has played in my recovery.
My husband and I met with an LDS counselor early on in the hopes that it would help us through our difficult experience. This individual pushed a certain book I had felt distinctly that I should not read. We left very discouraged and disheartened. Where were we to go for help?
After several months, I felt very prompted to seek counseling help again. I was very stuck in the depression stage of grieving and didn't know how to get out of it myself. Through my medical providers, I was referred to a different counselor. I was so nervous and quite skeptical, but I went anyway. That visit was the start of a wonderful, productive relationship that helped me in countless ways. I received individual counseling almost weekly for about four months. What a tremendous blessing that was for me.
I am NOT saying that LDS counselors are not helpful. What I AM saying is that there is not one path or cookie cutter way for everyone through this experience. The spirit told me strongly not to read the book the counselor required. The spirit also told me not to attend our local 12 step recovery support group which this counselor strongly encouraged as well. I do not discount or discredit any of these inspired pathways for help, but I do attest to the fact that Heavenly Father knows us individually. He can help us individually. We are responsible to listen to the guidance and direction of the spirit and act accordingly. He knows better than anyone else what and WHO we need in our lives right now.
For ME, it was incredibly helpful to have a counselor who did not share my religious beliefs who could help me work through my psychological issues completely separately from my spiritual concerns. Rest assured that during that time I was counseling regularly with my Bishop. He was key for me. He gave me inspired insight and direction that I knew He could give because of the keys he held and the stewardship he had over me that no one else could offer. Both of those individuals have been incredibly helpful for me in my healing process.
Now my husband and I are participating in couple's counseling - again with a non-LDS counselor. This counselor has been objective, direct and incredibly helpful. We felt specifically led to him and thank our Heavenly Father often for righteous, educated people who are not of our faith. We continue to work individually and together as a couple on our spiritual strength. This is key in the healing process. We have felt the continued love and support of righteous Priesthood leaders, grateful they have not insisted we walk the road that has worked for others of LDS counselors and 12 step support groups.
Heavenly Father is our Father. He knows us. He knows what we need. Trust Him. Follow the promptings you receive immediately and specifically. Especially when they don't seem to make sense. This journey has been an exercise in faith for me to the fifth degree. But Father has never left me comfortless.
My husband and I met with an LDS counselor early on in the hopes that it would help us through our difficult experience. This individual pushed a certain book I had felt distinctly that I should not read. We left very discouraged and disheartened. Where were we to go for help?
After several months, I felt very prompted to seek counseling help again. I was very stuck in the depression stage of grieving and didn't know how to get out of it myself. Through my medical providers, I was referred to a different counselor. I was so nervous and quite skeptical, but I went anyway. That visit was the start of a wonderful, productive relationship that helped me in countless ways. I received individual counseling almost weekly for about four months. What a tremendous blessing that was for me.
I am NOT saying that LDS counselors are not helpful. What I AM saying is that there is not one path or cookie cutter way for everyone through this experience. The spirit told me strongly not to read the book the counselor required. The spirit also told me not to attend our local 12 step recovery support group which this counselor strongly encouraged as well. I do not discount or discredit any of these inspired pathways for help, but I do attest to the fact that Heavenly Father knows us individually. He can help us individually. We are responsible to listen to the guidance and direction of the spirit and act accordingly. He knows better than anyone else what and WHO we need in our lives right now.
For ME, it was incredibly helpful to have a counselor who did not share my religious beliefs who could help me work through my psychological issues completely separately from my spiritual concerns. Rest assured that during that time I was counseling regularly with my Bishop. He was key for me. He gave me inspired insight and direction that I knew He could give because of the keys he held and the stewardship he had over me that no one else could offer. Both of those individuals have been incredibly helpful for me in my healing process.
Now my husband and I are participating in couple's counseling - again with a non-LDS counselor. This counselor has been objective, direct and incredibly helpful. We felt specifically led to him and thank our Heavenly Father often for righteous, educated people who are not of our faith. We continue to work individually and together as a couple on our spiritual strength. This is key in the healing process. We have felt the continued love and support of righteous Priesthood leaders, grateful they have not insisted we walk the road that has worked for others of LDS counselors and 12 step support groups.
Heavenly Father is our Father. He knows us. He knows what we need. Trust Him. Follow the promptings you receive immediately and specifically. Especially when they don't seem to make sense. This journey has been an exercise in faith for me to the fifth degree. But Father has never left me comfortless.
Still here...
I am still here. Still moving forward. Still slogging through chest high mud in an effort to rebuild my marriage. I know there is no timeline in all of this, but it sure feels like I've been at this for a long, long time.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Lonely
I was feeling lonely this morning. Lonely in my journey. Lonely in my marriage. Lonely.
I've been trying to faithfully follow the counsel of my Bishop to read from the scriptures and the Conference talks each day. I picked up the May 2009 Ensign while I ate my breakfast and turned to Sis. Mary N. Cook's talk from the General YW Meeting entitled "A Virtuous Life - Step by Step." There were several things that stood out to me from her talk.
She talked about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and said "Some of these mists of darkness, or temptations that Satan uses to obscure the path to eternal life, are specifically directed at women... He has been successful in confusing women about their roles in the Lord's divine plan."
My husband has described his struggles as being in the mists of darkness. I realized this morning how the darkness of pornography has encompassed our marriage in mists of darkness - how Satan has used that temptation for my husband to directly obscure MY understanding of myself, of my worth and value, of my role in the Lord's divine plan.
Sis. Cook continues, "Now, you must remember that you are not alone on this journey...you were given the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide you in all aspects of your life... Sometimes you may feel that you are the only one who is walking on this path...there are...even 'angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 88:48)."
"You will never be alone on your journey because the Savior will always be with you.."
I felt that so powerfully, so keenly this morning. I am not alone in this.
When I got on my blog to post this, lo and behold I had a comment on my previous post. I have been writing on here for almost six months, having no idea if anyone else would ever find or read what I had written, many times feeling very alone in my experience. I don't know who you are, how you found my blog, or what prompted you to comment now, but thank you Luke. Your post was a miracle in my morning. I am not alone.
I've been trying to faithfully follow the counsel of my Bishop to read from the scriptures and the Conference talks each day. I picked up the May 2009 Ensign while I ate my breakfast and turned to Sis. Mary N. Cook's talk from the General YW Meeting entitled "A Virtuous Life - Step by Step." There were several things that stood out to me from her talk.
She talked about Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life and said "Some of these mists of darkness, or temptations that Satan uses to obscure the path to eternal life, are specifically directed at women... He has been successful in confusing women about their roles in the Lord's divine plan."
My husband has described his struggles as being in the mists of darkness. I realized this morning how the darkness of pornography has encompassed our marriage in mists of darkness - how Satan has used that temptation for my husband to directly obscure MY understanding of myself, of my worth and value, of my role in the Lord's divine plan.
Sis. Cook continues, "Now, you must remember that you are not alone on this journey...you were given the gift of the Holy Ghost to guide you in all aspects of your life... Sometimes you may feel that you are the only one who is walking on this path...there are...even 'angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 88:48)."
"You will never be alone on your journey because the Savior will always be with you.."
I felt that so powerfully, so keenly this morning. I am not alone in this.
When I got on my blog to post this, lo and behold I had a comment on my previous post. I have been writing on here for almost six months, having no idea if anyone else would ever find or read what I had written, many times feeling very alone in my experience. I don't know who you are, how you found my blog, or what prompted you to comment now, but thank you Luke. Your post was a miracle in my morning. I am not alone.
Friday, May 29, 2009
LDS Resources
I found the following posts on the LDS Tech section of the church's website. While much of the information on the forum discussions is geared towards technically savvy people or those concerned with protecting their children, much of the information is useful.
As a wife who has been technologically uninformed for much of my adult life, which allowed my husband easy and instant access to the garbage, I am doing all I can to learn more about technology. Hope these forum discussions and posts prove somewhat helpful.
I have installed Net Nanny, am the admin user and have the password. It was very easy to install and maintain. I was a bit disturbed to read about some of the ways around software installed filters and am doing more to learn about that. A filter has not become my only source of defense, but it has finally required some accountability for computer usage that was not implemented in my household before. I also take comfort in knowing my children or babysitters will not accidentally come upon inappropriate material in my household. Rest assured we have had frank discussions with our children regarding proper choices and what to do if faced with it in another setting. I also learned how to block channels and certain ratings and content on my satellite dish. I simply called the company and they walked me through it. I am the code holder for that as well.
I heard once the thought that the wife should not be the 'porn police'. It should be the husband's responsibility to manage his temptations appropriately. However, pornography is NOT a temptation for me. I can hold the 'keys' to accessing the garbage without ever being tempted to look at it. On one of these forums, there was a post that said not installing filters, security codes etc. is akin to stocking our shelves with R and XXX movies and only telling our children / husband not to watch them. Even with the coping mechanisms my husband has learned to deal with temptation, WHY would I allow easy access to this garbage in my own home if I had the ability to severely limit it? WHY would I give Satan that open door into my home? I understand that my husband holds the ultimate responsibility for his recovery, for maintaining his decision to turn from the smut. But if he were a recovering alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't stock my fridge full of beer.
Ultimately, I've learned there is not one 'magic' instant answer to combating this wickedness in our families. It is a many pronged attack which requires a many faceted defense.
https://tech.lds.org/wiki/index.php/Internet_(Family_Safety)
http://tech.lds.org/forum/showthread.php?t=323
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,5302-1-2769-1,00.html
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6278-1-3240-1,00.html
(I love the graphic on this link - my husband often describes his journey with sexual addiction as feeling chained, but that the weight was placed on him gradually. At times, when he thought it was 'under control' he realizes now that the chains were still there just loosened, and Satan convinced him they were gone. Satan lied continuously telling him that he didn't need to tell anyone - including me - and that he could handle it himself. My husband says that once he finally went to the ones with the 'keys' - proper Priesthood keys - the locks were removed through proper repentance and the chains have slowly, finally fallen away.)
In faith...moving forward...
As a wife who has been technologically uninformed for much of my adult life, which allowed my husband easy and instant access to the garbage, I am doing all I can to learn more about technology. Hope these forum discussions and posts prove somewhat helpful.
I have installed Net Nanny, am the admin user and have the password. It was very easy to install and maintain. I was a bit disturbed to read about some of the ways around software installed filters and am doing more to learn about that. A filter has not become my only source of defense, but it has finally required some accountability for computer usage that was not implemented in my household before. I also take comfort in knowing my children or babysitters will not accidentally come upon inappropriate material in my household. Rest assured we have had frank discussions with our children regarding proper choices and what to do if faced with it in another setting. I also learned how to block channels and certain ratings and content on my satellite dish. I simply called the company and they walked me through it. I am the code holder for that as well.
I heard once the thought that the wife should not be the 'porn police'. It should be the husband's responsibility to manage his temptations appropriately. However, pornography is NOT a temptation for me. I can hold the 'keys' to accessing the garbage without ever being tempted to look at it. On one of these forums, there was a post that said not installing filters, security codes etc. is akin to stocking our shelves with R and XXX movies and only telling our children / husband not to watch them. Even with the coping mechanisms my husband has learned to deal with temptation, WHY would I allow easy access to this garbage in my own home if I had the ability to severely limit it? WHY would I give Satan that open door into my home? I understand that my husband holds the ultimate responsibility for his recovery, for maintaining his decision to turn from the smut. But if he were a recovering alcoholic, I certainly wouldn't stock my fridge full of beer.
Ultimately, I've learned there is not one 'magic' instant answer to combating this wickedness in our families. It is a many pronged attack which requires a many faceted defense.
https://tech.lds.org/wiki/index.php/Internet_(Family_Safety)
http://tech.lds.org/forum/showthread.php?t=323
http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,5302-1-2769-1,00.html
http://providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,6278-1-3240-1,00.html
(I love the graphic on this link - my husband often describes his journey with sexual addiction as feeling chained, but that the weight was placed on him gradually. At times, when he thought it was 'under control' he realizes now that the chains were still there just loosened, and Satan convinced him they were gone. Satan lied continuously telling him that he didn't need to tell anyone - including me - and that he could handle it himself. My husband says that once he finally went to the ones with the 'keys' - proper Priesthood keys - the locks were removed through proper repentance and the chains have slowly, finally fallen away.)
In faith...moving forward...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Trust
I haven't posted much lately. It's hard to know which experiences are appropriate to share - what might be helpful to someone else that is not too personal or too unique to my own experience. And life has been slowly, steadily moving forward. Some days I still feel the undeniable suffocation of this difficult experience, but other days feel almost normal or at least tolerable. I never thought I would feel that way again, so even the glimpses are so refreshing and revitalizing to my soul.
I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.
I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"
As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.
I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.
I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.
So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?
Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.
I have experienced for the first time in my life the power of anxiety and panic. It has hit me at such unexpected moments that I almost feel wary of any situation that has induced that panic in the past few months. I have felt a considerable disconnect from my former self and have found myself longing for the days when I felt so sure of myself, confident and could move forward without hesitation.
I started seeing a counselor a couple of months ago. I was really struggling and didn't know what else to do. I feel Heavenly Father led me directly to this individual. I had never seen a counselor before and was very nervous and wary of seeking this help, but it has been a wonderful, healing gift of insight for me. My counselor asked me a question yesterday that has consumed my thought process since and given me insight into my feelings of being disconnected from myself. She asked, "Do you trust your own judgment?"
As soon as she asked the question, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that since the discovery of my husband's addiction I, for the first time in my life, did not trust my own judgment. How could I, after choosing unknowingly to marry an addict and being completely unaware of his problems for so many, many years? I realized that upon discovering his problems and learning particularly of the longevity and depth of the deception, my ability to trust myself dissipated.
I have had to rely steadily and heavily on the insight and inspiration of the Spirit. I have turned often to righteous Priesthood leaders for guidance, seeking their counsel to always be confirmed to me by the Spirit. My trust in Heavenly Father has been my ONLY constant.
I hadn't realized why I was paralyzed by grocery shopping, why I no longer have desire to shop or make new friends or be around my old friends. I hadn't been able to pinpoint the feelings of anxiety and panic. My trust in myself disappeared along with my trust in my husband.
So I keep wondering, pondering and asking myself, how do I get that back? How do I learn how to not only hear and honor the voice of the Spirit, but to hear and honor MY voice? How do I regain the sense of self confidence I always had? How do I walk in a world I used to see as beautiful which I now see as filled with temptation?
Maybe the first step is the realization that not only does my trust in my husband need to be restored, but my trust in myself. How I hope and pray that the Atonement can really heal ALL wounds and injuries. How I long for that healing. How I miss myself.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Depression
Depression is a stage of the grief process.
It is exhausting, encompassing and overwhelmingly discouraging.
It feels like it will last forever.
It is not, however, meant to be a permanent state of being.
If it feels like it has become that, seek outside help.
It's okay.
It is exhausting, encompassing and overwhelmingly discouraging.
It feels like it will last forever.
It is not, however, meant to be a permanent state of being.
If it feels like it has become that, seek outside help.
It's okay.
Can I Go There Today?
As life is slowly making its way back to some sense of normalcy, I find it harder and harder to allow myself to go to the depths of sorrow and sorting through required for ultimate healing. I struggle to know how to go from sobbing uncontrollably to picking up my little one from preschool, so some days I just don't go there even when I need to. It doesn't go away, though. The emotions can't be ignored or put off or stuffed away. They find a way to come out somehow - at times that are often less than opportune.
I'm learning that I have to give myself permission to heal, including the time and energy to do it. I'm having to eliminate any extra burdens, obligations, appointments, & stresses in my life so that I can focus on myself and my healing. I struggle to not feel guilty about it, especially since I'm not able to give explanations, but I'm learning to be much more compassionate and much less judgmental of myself and of others. You never know what burdens others are really carrying.
I'm learning that I have to give myself permission to heal, including the time and energy to do it. I'm having to eliminate any extra burdens, obligations, appointments, & stresses in my life so that I can focus on myself and my healing. I struggle to not feel guilty about it, especially since I'm not able to give explanations, but I'm learning to be much more compassionate and much less judgmental of myself and of others. You never know what burdens others are really carrying.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Leaving Egypt
I used to wonder why the Israelites complained after their miraculous rescue from Egypt by the prophet Moses. I couldn't imagine how they would question God or Moses' word after all they had done for them. But I understand now.
I can picture them, having left the slavery of Egypt, having witnessed the plagues and passover and knowing God had provided the way for them to leave. They had hope in the promised land - one they would obtain after leaving the deserts of Egypt. They left in faith, following their prophet, heading anxiously towards the promised land. When suddenly they realize they are being followed - vigorously pursued by pharoah's guards intent on killing them. As they rush forward they are faced not with a path to freedom, but with the vast Red Sea. No boats. No bridge. No escape. Relentlessly chased by violent warriors. Is it any wonder they questioned? Is it any surprise they wanted to go back? I wonder if they could even see off in the horizon their distant land of Egypt. Surely they thought it would be better to go back and be slaves to a pharoah than to perish a bloody death or drown in the depths of the sea. Some of them likely had never even known a different life than slavery. If they went back, surely they could continue as they always had, despite all that had transpired.
All they had was the word of a prophet and the promise of God. Each of those people had to decide for themselves if that was enough. There must have been a pre-miraculous moment of decision, the time that required the ultimate faith of each of them before Moses lifted his staff. They surely couldn't have foreseen or imagined the undeniable witness of God's power that was about to occur before their eyes. They each had to decide whether to rush to the guards and plead for mercy or rush into the water and rely on faith. Faith that God would deliver them, faith that their promised land would be given them, faith that the words of a living prophet would be fulfilled, faith that moving forward - however insurmountable the path ahead seemed - would be better than going back.
"Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt - seemingly free, seemingly on our way - only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us."
" ' And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. ... The Lord shall fight for you.' In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, 'Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.' "
"...After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, 'Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!' "
(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence, BYU Devotional, March 2, 1999.)
I can picture them, having left the slavery of Egypt, having witnessed the plagues and passover and knowing God had provided the way for them to leave. They had hope in the promised land - one they would obtain after leaving the deserts of Egypt. They left in faith, following their prophet, heading anxiously towards the promised land. When suddenly they realize they are being followed - vigorously pursued by pharoah's guards intent on killing them. As they rush forward they are faced not with a path to freedom, but with the vast Red Sea. No boats. No bridge. No escape. Relentlessly chased by violent warriors. Is it any wonder they questioned? Is it any surprise they wanted to go back? I wonder if they could even see off in the horizon their distant land of Egypt. Surely they thought it would be better to go back and be slaves to a pharoah than to perish a bloody death or drown in the depths of the sea. Some of them likely had never even known a different life than slavery. If they went back, surely they could continue as they always had, despite all that had transpired.
All they had was the word of a prophet and the promise of God. Each of those people had to decide for themselves if that was enough. There must have been a pre-miraculous moment of decision, the time that required the ultimate faith of each of them before Moses lifted his staff. They surely couldn't have foreseen or imagined the undeniable witness of God's power that was about to occur before their eyes. They each had to decide whether to rush to the guards and plead for mercy or rush into the water and rely on faith. Faith that God would deliver them, faith that their promised land would be given them, faith that the words of a living prophet would be fulfilled, faith that moving forward - however insurmountable the path ahead seemed - would be better than going back.
"Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt - seemingly free, seemingly on our way - only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us."
" ' And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. ... The Lord shall fight for you.' In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, 'Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward.' "
"...After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel His love and hear the word of the Lord, go forward. Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord is doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, 'Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!' "
(Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence, BYU Devotional, March 2, 1999.)
Cottage or Palace?
“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of — throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” C.S. Lewis
Limping
"You are good when you walk to your goal firmly and with bold steps.
Yet you are not evil when you go thither limping.
Even those who limp go not backward."
The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran
Monday, January 26, 2009
Denial
I haven't written - anything - for two weeks now. I think I'm in the denial stage of grief. I simply don't want to deal with it anymore. i don't want to talk about it. I don't want to cry about it. I don't want to be mad about it. I just want it to go away. But the thing is, it doesn't. I find myself pushing away all the hurt, deeper and deeper inside so that I just don't have to process it or feel it or manage it for one more minute, in an effort to somehow feel normal again, even for an hour. I am subconsciously or perhaps even consciously avoiding the things that will help. Certain friends, long prayers, diligent scriptures, time alone, temple worship, writing, crying, talking, running, eating, all feel linked now to the sorrow and to the reality that the normal I once knew is never returning.
There are elements of my past life that I am finding myself grateful for losing. My priorities have shifted and realigned in a way that is much more in tune with my family, with God, and with my heart. But in the same breath I can't help but wonder if there couldn't have been an easier way - one that didn't hurt so much. Couldn't the lessons have come softer, sweeter and slower? They almost feel like a punishment of sorts - the bitter medicine of mortality.
I get so tired of pretending that everything is still fine. I'm not fine. I'm still wounded and weary and wondering why all of this was necessary. I'm still waiting for a day when I don't wish for the life that I really never had, but thought for so many years that I did. I keep wondering when I won't feel so lonely, so isolated from my husband who I have relied on in so many ways for so many years. I feel so aleinated from my parents who would be eternally crushed if they had any inkling of my pain. I am in such need of the love and support of my siblings and friends and yet they are completely oblivious to my circumstances.
The sorrow and suffering still linger. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it's still there. I have faith. I have a testimony. I know the Lord can heal me. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish it wouldn't take so long. I wish that the depth of the pain would somehow diminish or subside. I wish I knew what kind of a 'normal' to expect or even hope for. I really wish none of this would have ever happened, that I could make it all go away. I wish that I could remember what it feels like to be intensely, completely happy and in love. I miss that feeling desperately.
I miss the sense of sufficient self I have always been blessed with. And perhaps that is the ultimate lesson in this. There is no self without the Savior. There is no hope, no healing, no life, no lessons, no perspective, no restoration without Him. I am completely helpless without the hope of Atonement. I cannot imagine feeling like this forever. So I hang onto that silver thread of hope, with the faith that somehow it will lead me through this unimaginable sea of sorrow to a far greater land of promise.
There are elements of my past life that I am finding myself grateful for losing. My priorities have shifted and realigned in a way that is much more in tune with my family, with God, and with my heart. But in the same breath I can't help but wonder if there couldn't have been an easier way - one that didn't hurt so much. Couldn't the lessons have come softer, sweeter and slower? They almost feel like a punishment of sorts - the bitter medicine of mortality.
I get so tired of pretending that everything is still fine. I'm not fine. I'm still wounded and weary and wondering why all of this was necessary. I'm still waiting for a day when I don't wish for the life that I really never had, but thought for so many years that I did. I keep wondering when I won't feel so lonely, so isolated from my husband who I have relied on in so many ways for so many years. I feel so aleinated from my parents who would be eternally crushed if they had any inkling of my pain. I am in such need of the love and support of my siblings and friends and yet they are completely oblivious to my circumstances.
The sorrow and suffering still linger. No matter how hard I try and push it away, it's still there. I have faith. I have a testimony. I know the Lord can heal me. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish it wouldn't take so long. I wish that the depth of the pain would somehow diminish or subside. I wish I knew what kind of a 'normal' to expect or even hope for. I really wish none of this would have ever happened, that I could make it all go away. I wish that I could remember what it feels like to be intensely, completely happy and in love. I miss that feeling desperately.
I miss the sense of sufficient self I have always been blessed with. And perhaps that is the ultimate lesson in this. There is no self without the Savior. There is no hope, no healing, no life, no lessons, no perspective, no restoration without Him. I am completely helpless without the hope of Atonement. I cannot imagine feeling like this forever. So I hang onto that silver thread of hope, with the faith that somehow it will lead me through this unimaginable sea of sorrow to a far greater land of promise.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
One By One
I'm learning that this journey is so individual, so personal that I'm having to rely more and more heavily on the spirit to discern my path. I know that my Heavenly Father knows me. Me. As an individual. His daughter.
I love the story in the Book of Mormon when the Savior comes to the Nephites and invites each person to come and feel his wounds one by one. There was an overall witness to the masses, certainly, upon his heavenly descent. But He wanted each of them to come to Him, feel His wounds and know that He suffered them for each of them.
There is no comparing myself to anyone in this experience. There is no progress to measure but my own. There is no sense in despairing over what has not yet occurred, only joy to be found in the steps I have traveled thus far - one by one.
Satan would have me believe that my progress must be measured externally, without any regard for my personal journey. He would distract me with arbitrary, unimportant, worldly- imposed landmarks of success and improvement, focusing only on how far I still have yet to travel. But God would have me recognize that true progress is measured by my proximity to the spirit. For when He is my guide, the pathway is sure, the progress is steady and success is spiritually marked.
This journey is mine alone. I need to move, facing forward, concerned more with direction than distance, taking each step daily, one by one.
I love the story in the Book of Mormon when the Savior comes to the Nephites and invites each person to come and feel his wounds one by one. There was an overall witness to the masses, certainly, upon his heavenly descent. But He wanted each of them to come to Him, feel His wounds and know that He suffered them for each of them.
There is no comparing myself to anyone in this experience. There is no progress to measure but my own. There is no sense in despairing over what has not yet occurred, only joy to be found in the steps I have traveled thus far - one by one.
Satan would have me believe that my progress must be measured externally, without any regard for my personal journey. He would distract me with arbitrary, unimportant, worldly- imposed landmarks of success and improvement, focusing only on how far I still have yet to travel. But God would have me recognize that true progress is measured by my proximity to the spirit. For when He is my guide, the pathway is sure, the progress is steady and success is spiritually marked.
This journey is mine alone. I need to move, facing forward, concerned more with direction than distance, taking each step daily, one by one.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Major Accomplishment
I went to the grocery store and bought food today. All by myself. I didn't make a list. I didn't plan the meals out. I didn't clip or take any coupons. But I did it. I didn't even get totally overwhelmed. I remember when shopping wasn't a big deal to me at all, but it is now.
I'm learning to celebrate the smallest steps back to normalcy.
I'm learning to celebrate the smallest steps back to normalcy.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Totally
Totally overwhelmed.
Totally sleep deprived.
Totally exhausted.
Totally done for the day.
Totally convinced I'm on an unpredictable emotional roller coaster.
Totally hoping tomorrow is better.
Totally sleep deprived.
Totally exhausted.
Totally done for the day.
Totally convinced I'm on an unpredictable emotional roller coaster.
Totally hoping tomorrow is better.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Music
I have found a great deal of healing possible through inspired music. Hillary Weeks' album "Because I Have Today" has taught me many important things. Also Doug Walker's album "Stones in the River". There is a particular arrangement of "Nearer My God to Thee" by George Dyer that has been increasingly comforting. Find music that teaches, uplifts, and brings the spirit. It has become a balm to my wearied soul.
The Peacegiver
Read "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell, but be prepared for searing self-evaluation, grief, hesitation, and questioning. Pray for the right time, but read it. The atonement is not just for the sinner, it's for the sinned against, the suffering, to allow all to be restored to His grace and presence.
Will You Give It to Me?
"Will you give it to me?"
Silence. Hesitation. Trepidation. Reservation.
"Will you give it to me? It's my burden to carry. I've already carried it for you so you don't have to."
"How? How is that possible?"
"I've engraven you on the palms of my hands. I love you, more than you can comprehend."
Warmth. A flood of reassurance, overwhelming approval and love.
"Will you give it to me? The pain, the sorrow, the heartache. Let me take it."
"If I give it to you, then what will I have? What will I be?"
"You will be left with peace, joy, innocence, a heart that can heal."
"What about the anger, the betrayal?"
"It will be gone if you will give it to me."
"How can I give you the pain if I don't trust him. How can I ever trust him again?"
"Trust me. You only need to trust me, that I can take away the pain and replace it with peace. Trust that I will continue to lead and guide you as I have done from the beginning. Trust that I can and will take this completely from you. Will you give it to me?"
"Yes, Lord. Take the suffocating pain, the searing sorrow, the relentless anger & betrayal. Take it away. Carry my burdens and suffering in the most literal way, that my heart may be light and can bear a song away. Take it - I give it to you."
Gently, wounded Hands lift the heavy burdens from my heart fully, completely. Taking away my ability to sin in this situation through anger, bitterness & inability to forgive. Somehow, miraculously, peace. Sweet reassurance. Resurrection of innocence. Restoration of trust through my ability to trust in Him, to find hope in Him, peace in Him.
'And when I think of God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.'
Silence. Hesitation. Trepidation. Reservation.
"Will you give it to me? It's my burden to carry. I've already carried it for you so you don't have to."
"How? How is that possible?"
"I've engraven you on the palms of my hands. I love you, more than you can comprehend."
Warmth. A flood of reassurance, overwhelming approval and love.
"Will you give it to me? The pain, the sorrow, the heartache. Let me take it."
"If I give it to you, then what will I have? What will I be?"
"You will be left with peace, joy, innocence, a heart that can heal."
"What about the anger, the betrayal?"
"It will be gone if you will give it to me."
"How can I give you the pain if I don't trust him. How can I ever trust him again?"
"Trust me. You only need to trust me, that I can take away the pain and replace it with peace. Trust that I will continue to lead and guide you as I have done from the beginning. Trust that I can and will take this completely from you. Will you give it to me?"
"Yes, Lord. Take the suffocating pain, the searing sorrow, the relentless anger & betrayal. Take it away. Carry my burdens and suffering in the most literal way, that my heart may be light and can bear a song away. Take it - I give it to you."
Gently, wounded Hands lift the heavy burdens from my heart fully, completely. Taking away my ability to sin in this situation through anger, bitterness & inability to forgive. Somehow, miraculously, peace. Sweet reassurance. Resurrection of innocence. Restoration of trust through my ability to trust in Him, to find hope in Him, peace in Him.
'And when I think of God, His Son not sparing,
Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in.
That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin.'
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